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Pamela

Professional Human Being

I am approximately 35....ok, for sure 35 years old, with two beautiful spawn, ages 3 (drama daughter) and 5 (little tank), and a magnificant husband. I teach high school English, and have supposedly maintained my sanity in the process. I enjoy reading, lots of music, traveling and wine. That sounde...

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How to Get Glitter Off a Dog

what I learned this weekend

Just in case you were wondering, YES, you CAN vacuum a dog. It just takes some skill. In a moment of ignorance, I thought it would be a fantastic idea to give Freddy and Dora access to my glitter collection in order to made Leonidas a Father’s Day card. You know the collection I mean. It’s the one that all teachers have, that contains not only glitter and stickers, but also stamps, paint, construction paper, baby scissors that don’t cut anything EXCEPT skin and a medical kit. I allowed my children to do this for several reasons:

1. I REFUSE to pay $12.50 for a card, no matter WHAT it sings when he opens it. It is paper, we have paper. It has writing on/in it, we have pens, pencils, crayons, markers...hell, I think I would even consider pricking my finger and letting the babes use my blood and collectible quill for $12.50! I’ll be happy to sing as he opens our card.

2. It is much more personal to get a homemade card, right? These poor little innocent souls have anguished over which colors to use, what to write, who should get to use the red glitter, why it’s not okay to use a glue stick on the furniture, why mommy doesn’t want to trace her butt on a card for daddy, why I’m drinking at 11 in the morning.....you get it.

3. Out of guilt. I honestly heard myself saying the following to my 5 and 3 year old yesterday. “Stop being so childish!” I’m almost positive they were thinking, “Uh, dumb bitch, we ARE childish! 5 and 3 over here, lady! We’re not even showing any big people teeth yet! Who pee peed in your South Beach Diet eggs and spinach?” Yeah. I believe this all stemmed from my thought that a Hydroxycut from my husbands Mr. Incredible supplement collection would somehow melt off a pound before noon. After recognizing the desire to smash things on the back porch, I thought I should read the label. Better late than never, right? Have you looked at one of those labels before??? Scientists just MIGHT want to look into this as an alternative to fuel. Mark that  experience under  the “I’ll never put the world through that sort of crazy again” category. Bad, bad, bad.......

Those are the reasons I left my children in the kitchen with a pound of glitter, glue sticks, and their weight in construction paper. The cards are beautiful, and the dog, God bless her, (I’m still not sure how they got her to sit still for the full body glitter secession) is free of decor. Here’s the trick: turn on the vacuum BEFORE you actually plan to clean said dog, pet her, then give her a steak with gravy. She will lie down. Replace your hand with the smallest sucky thing from the vacuum, and before you can say “Old Yeller”, she’s as good as new.

Happy Father’s Day, Leonidas!